Anyway, I am at the Library writing this to you for I am poor and cannot afford my internet bill which I mistakenly made into a bundle package with my cable AND my phone, all very big mistakes when you are poor cause there is no "robbing Peter to pay Paul" when Peter and Paul are one in the same! UGH! You see when you are poor it is easier to come up with fifty bucks to pay your internet bill than it is to come up with three hundred bucks to pay your internet, cable and phone...this truly sucks especially when you could easily go without your cable and in most cases, your phone! There's a little education for those of you who don't understand the "rob Peter to pay Paul" method.
I am in a new line of work, it is caregiving, let me just say I would NEVER HAVE IN A MILLION YEARS seen myself in this line of work, EVER! But, I love it! Absolutely LOVE it! Let me just tell how I stumbled upon this career choice, I was evicted and let go from my job ON THE SAME DAY! Can you believe that, WOW! I wouldn't have even believed it if it didn't happen to me! It was like the forces of the universe decided to drastically change my life course! So, for four months my little family of four were homeless...we "couch-surfed" for three months and then the last month we stayed with an incredibly gracious friend, all four of us crammed into one little room. THAT WAS AN EXPERIENCE, one I do not wish to do again! During that time I filled out tons of applications, sent/delivered/emailed WAY TOO MANY resumes and went on numerous interviews, no one would hire me. It was quite tragical...it was the most devastating and despairing time of our lives.
It was so overwhelming that I had to see a counselor. I was eventually diagnosed with PTSD, anxiety disorder, and a couple of others I forgot, we already knew I had ADHD!
During this time, at the back of my mind, all I could relate this to was, now my outside matches my inside. You see I was in a terribly abusive and controlling relationship for twenty-one years. I was all messed up on the inside trying to make it in this world. But that's a whole 'nother story.
Finally, after four months, I was offered a connection to a company where I would be a "life coach" provider of sorts. Take clients to outings like; laser tag, the movies, bowling, shopping, to lunch, and also helping them with learning and doing their everyday chores of life, you know; laundry, dishes, hygiene (just reminding them to take care of their hygiene, I am NOT THAT hands on with the clients!), you get the picture. I was hired the same day I was interviewed and eventually, after my background cleared was employed. A few weeks later we were loaned some money and were able to get a small duplex with a huge back yard.
There is still sadness, that for whatever reason, we were forgotten by society, life, God, everyone, for SO long, will always remain. I don't think it will ever go away. At least not until I get dementia and forget how easy it was for everyone to go on with their lives when my family was loosing faith. Part of my oldest died, his faith in God is lower than mine. He want's nothing to do with church, he believes church people are all hypocrites...I fear he is right. He grew up with a mom, who did everything out of love, even if there was a chance we would be burdened by our giving, but we never were, God always took care of us for our kindness. I taught him that one day we may need this type of help and we will want someone there to help us out, no strings attached. I guess my teaching was wrong or based on human response. Human response to God's plan, when fear is involved, is always tainted. My faith in God is low, I actually am afraid to even pray or ask Him for anything, even in writing this blog I am afraid to give Him credit or to blame Him. I know it was His children who failed us and Him and they still do, blessings with strings, I call them. Someday, I will not need anyone to help us and that will be best. I can, now, understand why my mother is the way she is, she has been where I was, she was forgotten by everyone, even what felt like God, and she will not ever trust another human being again...in a way she's right, you simply can't, we are a selfish, me-minded people and if we're not struggling it is a whole lot easier for us to forget those who are...my prayer, always is to never forget those forgotten!
On a brighter note, I FELL IN LOVE with my clients! Everyday they made me laugh and I found that they were also teaching me and supporting me. They could tell if I was having a bad day just as I could tell if they were. It was so healing and continues to be. I was hired privately by one of my clients and became a Domestic Employee. Which means I set my own hours AND a pretty substantial pay raise. This is all well and good, but I only get paid once a month. Since I started right after the pay date it will be almost a month of working before I see any income! For a family of four, still in poverty, this is tragic. I mean where are we going to get gas money to even get me there? I got my last unemployment check last week and filled my gas tank up...that's where we are now.
I don't know how these next few weeks are going to play out, but after evrything life has already handed to me...I'm game!
I don't know who I am writing this too or if ANYONE will read this, but here it is, my life laid out in black and white font and maybe later some color. ;)
the TRUTH IN LOVE,
~Heidi
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