In Limbo

So, I feel like really good things are heading our direction, but I am just waiting here in limbo. Waiting. I use to have an amazing gift of patience, but it seems to have been used up on my marriage. I am learning to dig deep for it again and I am hoping to once again move in this wonderful fruit. I guess that is what God wants for me as well since He has decided I wait. Wait for a car. Wait for a job. Wait to be financially stable again. This is a hard place to be in. In limbo. Everything has to line up and God's timing, even though we know it is perfect, may not be as quick as we want it. I do not wait in panic. I do not wait with urgency or even a sense of fear. I know that God has good things in store for the boys and I. It is just that waiting for those things to happen is ever so hard sometimes. I feel overwhelmed with the burden of my parents paying our bills. I feel overwhelmed when I cannot help my friends when I see that they are in need. Even in the midst of WAITING, I can see the hand of God moving. I know that He is active in my life. He is not silent concerning our needs. As my heart heals I can feel it brimming over with love for others again. I can hear my words and tone sweetly caring for others. It is not an overnight change, but as I become used to the wonderful love from others, my heart heals. I know that as I heal, my boys will begin to heal as well and THIS is why I had to make a change...for them. For me. No more do I hear the condemning words of another. I am getting to a place where I am longing for church again and the fellowship with others. I did not think I would be here, in this place for a long while, but I am sure the prayers of others is helping me on this road to healing and longing for God. The passion for homeschooling Matthew is rising up in me again and I know that area will become one of great joy again, for the both of us. I know too, I have many grown-up responsibilities to conquer, but I also know that with God, I can manage these as well. Yesterday was an extremely hard day for me. As I sat before the court my heart pounded as though it would burst forth from of my chest. My body shook as never before. I searched God for a Word. Some sort of comfort. Instantly, I was rewarded with these words from a song; "Breath of Heaven hold me together, be forever near me." It was with those words in my heart and my mind that I told the truth. I am not cold-hearted. My heart ached for him. How many years did I try and make him see that he was killing us. As I sat and listened to him...I prayed that he would someday find peace. Someday be okay with himself. Be okay with admitting fault. Admitting blame. Cause then he could finally heal. When we can see our faults then we can start working on them. I pray for him self-love. There is a scripture in the Bible that says something along the lines of "a man loving his wife as he loves himself". This has always been his problem. He has never loved himself. He has always hated himself. His self-loathing caused him to hate those who loved him the most. I know that he is convinced I left him for another...this is simply not true. Even if my life remains just our boys and me...I will be content to learn to love our boys, others and myself with such a love. Today as I sit "in limbo" I am content with the waiting. 

the TRUTH in LOVE,

Heidi Shepherd