Wrote on May 2nd 2013
I did something pretty stupid tonight, not on purpose of course! I was on a friends page when I noticed a friend of hers who had also been a friend of mine at one time (you know that's how it starts right) and then from her page I saw another friend and so on and so forth when an hour later my entire past was spread before me filling me with a feeling I cannot describe. Blek. That is all I can think to even remotely describe this nameless emotion. I go upstairs and throw myself on my bed, looking at the ceiling trying to explain this to Jayce, he of course is lost. Finally, I come to the statement that sums up my feelings. I spent the first half of my life working, striving, always working on a relationship that was killing me and now I am going to spend the last half of my life loving, being loved and laughing, lots of laughter. Gosh, I can't believe how much I was TRYING, and FASTING and CONSECRATING myself to Christ, SACRIFICING. It all makes me want to puke my guts out now! ALL of it! These people in my life back then, still living these lives where they are self-made martyrs. "Living the relationship not the religion" Makes my stomach turn. Lies, it's still religion. Now, I just am. I am me. A sinner, a lover, a friend, whatever...He is my Savior, but I don't have to WORK my way to Him. We just are, Him and me. He loves me. I ENJOY my life now. I have PEACE. I just am. Just me. Whatever. I see these people and they do not evoke warm fuzzy feelings, they evoke feelings of The Law, Judgment, Ask us WE KNOW how the righteous should live! YUCK! And I WAS ONE OF THEM!!! Makes my stomach sick. We were never going to save anybody, maybe get them to say a prayer, have a heart change, but we, we're nothing! We never loved anyone, not really, just wanted another number to add to our Salvation list. Working, working, working. There was no BEING! Just be and let God do. I don't know what my future holds, but I certainly know I don't want to go back to that ever again. I sit here and I wonder, what do they think of me now? Could we sit down and have coffee together? What would a letter be like from them? What would a letter from me to them say? I don't even know. That girl, they one they knew, she's gone. I don't even know her anymore...
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Anyway, those are my thoughts this evening, simple, complex, shocking, though they may be, there them is. Enjoy!
the Truth in Love,
Heidi L. Shepherd
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